Normally, this newsletter is about AI. This week’s Ironman Chattanooga race report is AI-free. Or is it?
After a bike wreck, a broken nose, and a slew of missed workouts, I was expecting the race to be rough. But I finished in 12:00:48, beating my PR by 27 minutes. You just never know how a race will go.
Here are the most memorable moments from an eventful day:
Pre-Race and Swim
The people in Chattanooga are so hospitable! Our Uber driver insisted on stopping at a convenience store when he found out we needed to buy Gatorade.
Many athletes shave their legs to be more aerodynamic, but this was a red line for Nadia. So it’s her fault I didn’t crack 12 hours.
I oversleep and catch the final shuttle to the swim start. I’m sweating it out, but when we hop off, there are still 30 minutes before the starting gun. Then another bus shows up, and another. Turns out “final shuttle” is a subjective concept.
We’re in the water! The swim is in the Tennessee River, with a swift downstream current. I feel like Michael Phelps with the current pushing me along.
I’m out of the water in 56 minutes, beating my fastest-ever swim by 18 minutes. Thank you, Tennessee River.
The Bike
Mile 10: I FORGOT TO PACK NUTTER BUTTERS. 😫 This is grounds for dropping out, but nobody said Ironman was easy.
Mile 24: I dig into the first of Nadia’s super-wraps, filled with potatoes, pickles, and mustard. Yum.
Mile 34: I pass a woman carrying a full-size burrito in her jersey. I’ll stick with my super-wraps.
Mile 46: A guy riding in front of me pees. He keeps peeing. He pees for at least three minutes. I didn’t know a bladder could hold that much pee.
Mile 56: I’m halfway done with the bike, which means 3 more hours of riding and then a marathon. Math is not your friend in an Ironman.
Mile 78: The temperature hits 91 degrees, and I’m feeling it. A rider in front of me gets pulled over to serve a 3-minute penalty for drafting. I volunteer to stand in as tribute.
Mile 94: A Harvard a cappella group’s cover of Radiohead’s “Creep” went viral last week. “Creep” has been going through my head for the last 5 hours.
Mile 106: The last of the rolling hills. One minute I’m hanging on for dear life, flying downhill at 43 miles per hour, the next I’m grinding uphill at eight.
Finally, the Run
Mile 6: The fans in Chattanooga are absolutely bonkers, and they cheer for everyone. Two of them call me sir. 🤔
Mile 10: As we approach a major climb, a spectator’s sign reads: “Make this hill your bitch.” I try to comply, but the hill has different ideas.
Mile 14: Best sign of the day: Swim ☑ Bike ☑ Run ❏ Brag ❏
Mile 18: Before the race, I drank a mix called “Happy Tummy.” My tummy is not happy. I force down one last gel to carry me to the finish line.
Mile 25.5: Approaching the finish, they’re a bunch of ads for “AGI.” Did ChatGPT hack Ironman too? Then I realize they are for the AG1 health drink.
The Finish
I’m a 5-time Ironman! I’m so excited I hug the announcer and two volunteers.
My stomach’s had enough. I deposit six hours’ worth of gels, bars, and chews into a trash can smack dab in front of a group of spectators who chose the wrong viewing spot. I’m ushered into the medical tent, where doctor Shane gives me an IV. My caffeine buzz is strong, so Shane has to put up with me chatting his ears off.
And with that, another race is in the books. I burned 8,000 calories, lost 5 pounds, and can barely walk. Not bad for a guy whose face looked like a mummy six weeks ago and DIDN’T GET HIS NUTTER BUTTERS.
Two AM that night, I’m staring at the ceiling wired with caffeine. 🫨
Time to write a newsletter!
Dad Joke: Why do Ironman athletes finish the race? Because they have to press on. 😂